Nothing To Be Scared Of?

Nothing To Be Scared Of?

I haven’t felt that scared/neutoric/anxious/panicked in a really long time. It’s the worst feeling in the world and is completely out of your control. You do anything to try and stay as calm as possible… but nothing seems to work. My mind just went on it’s own rampage to think about every ‘what if’ situation possible. It was horrible.

Context: in case you didn’t already know, I’m a cancer survivor. Besides the whole cancer thing, i’m a really healthy human. Yeah I go to a lot of doctors appointments, but they’re all just checkups to keep an eye on my baseline.

So the last time I went to see my oncologist she asked me if i’ve ever been to see a urologist before? (this being an area that was affected by my tumour in the past). I said no, and agreed we should have a look around in there just to make sure everything was all good. Logical decisions.

So my appointment comes around and I do a urine test, which was expected. The nurse comes by and causally tells me i’ll be doing a cystoscopy as well. Not knowing what it was, I googled it right away. Fuck. I instantly start to panic. In hindsight, it wasn’t that bad really. Like the nurse said, at least i’m not a boy. Boys have it way worse because it’s a much longer road to the bladder if you know what I mean.

Long story short, we watch the live stream (lulz) of the inside of my bladder on a screen and notice some abnormalities. It could be nothing, it could be something. We decide it’s a good idea to do a biopsy just to be sure. Down side, i’d have to go under for the biopsy. Up side, we’d know for sure what we’re dealing with cancerous or nah.

We made an appointment to have the procedure done and I’m out the door. The next few weeks leading up to my procedure was the biggest mind fuck of my life (so far). All the stress from the pre-op stuff I had to get done too didn’t help either. As much as I didn’t think any of this would affect me, it really did. Every possible scenario went through my mind and I was just super anxious and stressed the fuck out.

It’s probably nothing…
But what if it’s something?
What if I have cancer again?
It’s probably nothing…
Will I need a catheter?
I wonder if I can go to work the next day?
What if I become one of those ppl that has to carry a pee bag on the outside of their body all the time?
It’s probably nothing…
I hope the procedure goes ok
What if I get an infection post op?
Kidney failure is the fucking worst
There’s nothing to be scared of?

The end of the story is, everything was fine. It ended up being just a little inflammation and a totally normal occurrence. It was still the fucking worst time ever, and any invasive procedures will probably always feel like that. All you can do is keep going. On to the next one.


  1. Rebecca says:

    I’m so happy you are okay. I can’t imagine what those 2 weeks were like for you. Good on you that you did the right thing, even though it was the hardest thing to do.

    1. vanessa says:

      Thanks for your kind words :)

Leave a Reply